“What was your point in this?” he asked. A tone firm, but the disbelief and sadness evident, tho he would never admit to himself.
“I never had one. And that drove you crazy.” I say. Trying to sound cold and alluring. In my mind I was failing, I felt the sting of my words because it was killing me to say it. But what I saw in his eyes, I knew I had sounded the way I wanted too. I will never forget that look. Of hurt i’d only ever felt once. A look of being completely broken, like as soon as I ended my sentence he had no love or life left. He turned, I could see the tears brimming in his eyes.
“You think you know everybody’s exact emotions, a lot of the time you do. But you think you have the right to tell them how they feel when it’s a sore subject, and only then. Everyone lets you get away with it, they don’t say anything. You’re pampered like a socialites dog. You act like a drug addicted teenage whore. And you sound like a raspy version of Snooki.” with that he got up, put his shirt on, picked up his keys from the desk and walked out of my room. At the door he hesitated, biting his lip. He turned to face me one last time, “You really fucked up this time. When you say stuff outta spite, to fuck with someone because they pissed you off, you go too far.” the look in his eyes meant this was the last time he’d ever speak to me. And the last time he was going to be in my room, our room. This was our last moment. I must have looked like a sick puppy because I heard him chuckle. “You revert to that when you have nothing left in you.” With one swift motion he was inches from my face. I felt his breath on my lips. I could drink up his scent, trace his face, and feel his warm breath. I was in the highest ecstasy of hell. The greatest pleasure while in the greatest pain. I stared into his eyes, pools of chocolate. I was swimming in warmth and velvet “Does being empty make you feel like your a child again? Does it remind you of you’re past?” I slapped him. Harder than I know I should have. But he passed the line, HE went too far. The red handprint on his face makes me know he flinch. I didn’t see because my eyes were closed holding back my tears. When I open them he’s leaving. As a tear rolls down my cheek I yell,
“People make mistakes, they fuck up and they say things they will regret later. You’re making a mistake. You’re going to wake up one day, and it’s going to hit you that we broke. Us as a whole crumbled, and our beauty died. I found out in that instance I slapped you, the moment I let that part of me take control, the happiness between us physically whithered. I felt what it’s like to feel an emptiness so dark, so empty, and so never ending that it makes your heart stop for a second and your brain feels dead. You don’t want that pain. So think about what you’re doing to the both of us when you walk out that door.” I hear a sigh, he mumbles something that sounds like ‘I know.’ The door closes and I sit there in the bleak lights, I’m not sure how long. Five minutes, an hour. It made no difference. I look at my phone, seeing his face on my screen. A tear slides down my cheek. I slowly get up and turn on the air conditioner. I take of my sweat pants and let down my hair, I grab the box in my closet and open up the top, taking out my razor. My sweet stainless steel lover, Silver. She was my friend when I had none, my everything when I felt like I was worth nothing. She helped me through everything. This past year I hadn’t seen her at all, we had grown apart. I return to her now when all else failed, when she was all I had left. She shines, almost like she’s beckoning for my skin. I place the box down, slowly sit on my desk, and when she finally slides across my skin leaving a trail of bright red liquid in her wake. Again and again, over and over my leg becoming a map of pain, and anguish. Telling the story of a little girl broken.
fuck me
